||[Aug. 18th, 2011|02:14 am]
marence, an eternal student
The first time I ever won a trophy was in 1994. My whole family had trophies, lots of them, mostly for bowling and baseball. I won nothing. I was poorly coordinated and not a team player, especially when the team saw I was uncoordinated and therefore a liability to them.
In 1994, trying to be divorced and with nearly no self-esteem, I won a karaoke contest. My prize? A trophy. It still holds place of pride in my living room, next to the other two trophies I've won - another for karaoke and one for special-effects makeup. I feel a glow when I look at those trophies, won at ages 34, 35, and 41, ages far beyond when most would have put away thoughts of being recognized for excellence. Competition is a young man's sport, after all.
But the happiness of earning acclaim for something I've been working at all my life made me confident. Well, until I entered other karaoke and singing contests.
Imagine being told you're a shoe-in. Imagine hearing 10 tone-deaf singers out of a field of 12. Imagine thinking that talent counted for something. Imagine thinking that the judges really meant what they said to you.
Imagine not hearing your name. Imagine hearing the names of the tone-deaf, the off-key, the obvious buy-ins who kept the judges in drinks being announced. Imagine the feeling of worthlessness when the totally talentless contestants go on to the finals, but the talented are passed by.
Big boobs. I swear, it's all about big boobs.
I have small boobs. I keep them under a shirt. I do not have big bouncy boobs I can flaunt, nor do I offer blowjobs. I have no money to bribe judges with drinks; I'm too honest to offer sex or drugs or alcohol or favors, so I go by talent alone.
Over the past 14 years, talent alone has been downgraded.
Tonight, this was forcefully brought home. Out of a field of 14, I didn't even make it into the final 7. Sour grapes? Yes, but I know I was one of 3 contestants to stay on key, and one of 4 who dressed up. My cheering section was louder than than all but 3 contestants. This, according to the rules, should have gotten me close to a win, but I didn't even get into the top 50%.
I have determined my shortcomings.
1. I do not have big tits
2. I do not flash nor show off my (non-existent) big tits
3. I'm not sucking anyone's dick
4. see #1,2, and 3
5. I didn't buy the judges drinks
tl;dr - To win a karaoke contest, show your tits, suck the judges' dicks, and buy them drinks. No talent needed. Yes, I'm bitter.